Sunday, March 20, 2011

Brick Wall

I came to this revelation on Julia's blog post about getting hurt in class:

"Honestly, until I started jiu jitsu I almost never cried. Even before when I did jiu jitsu (when I first started, about seven years ago, before my 4-year hiatus), I never cried from jiu jitsu. Now that I think about it, I honestly believe part of the reason I cry more is because I’m closer to more of the people I train with and as a result, I’m more emotionally “open”. Awful as it sounds, it’s so tempting to try and put those walls up again so I can at least function like a normal person."

I've been feeling this for months now, but until now I just couldn't put it into words and identify it.   And now that I finally know what's going, I think I can fix it.

I'm tired of being that girl.  I need to be able to function again without worrying about breaking down when things get hard or I get hurt.  I need to be able to brush things off and keep going, and not get so touchy about things that aren't personal.  So a brick wall is going up.  I'm not taking anything personally.  I'm not special and I don't expect anything from anyone.  I'm going to pass my blue belt test and then focus on vet school, at least until finals are over three weeks from now. 


  1. I'm a non-crier myself that's been pulled way too close to the edge by some of the guys a the gym. That said, I don't think a wall is the answer. That wall won't discriminate between positive and negative emotional expression. I personally don't think it's that terrible to cry in front of the guys...I think it just depends on how you do it. Holding it back lets emotions build up and when they come loose, they burst loose.

    I've never had the issue on the mats, but I've found that if I let a few tears out early on, it keeps the flood at bay.

    And...nothing wrong with being "that girl". it may just be part of your growth process.

  2. @Megan I guess I should's not quite a brick wall. Maybe a straw wall. I just need something to protect myself, at least a little, so I'm not a mess when things go bad. I mean, I don't want to be a robot. I just want to go back to the way I was.